I hope you enjoyed my guest
blogger's post last week. John is a genuinely nice guy and is a very
involved father who thinks he knows something about us mothers. Ha!
Little does he know that we women prefer to keep our men guessing and
therefore anything he thinks he
knows about us moms is subject to change. Frequently.
Given
that my entire blog page, book and Facebook musings are mostly
devoted to the multifaceted subject of motherhood, I must choose
carefully which bit of his writing to comment on this week. Although
I definitely have some thoughts on more creative Mother's Day gifts,
stupid bumble bee cards, and that cute little dress we reserve for
date nights, I am going to address the question he posed, “But do
[moms] want it all?” It seems like a nice place to start.
I
was twenty-seven years old and six months from graduating
chiropractic school with my doctorate degree when it was suggested
that I not open a new
office from scratch. The reason given by my professional consultant
had nothing to do with the difficulty in attaining a business loan,
the monstrous task of building out a space, hiring staff, or the
hours required to run a successful practice. The reason he gave –
the only one – was that he thought I might change my mind once I
had kids.
To
be fair, I was six months pregnant at the time and noticeably
uncomfortable sitting for the duration of the twenty hour conference.
I probably got up from my seat at least a dozen times attempting to
increase blood flow to my lower extremities. Though I was trying to
be inconspicuous about my discomfort, he caught on.
After
picking my chin up off the floor at the pure audacity
to assume that motherhood would cause me to stray from my
professional goals (!!) I lifted my chin, gave him a quick shake of
my head and said, “You don't know me. I'm driven. Stubborn. I won't
change my mind.”
And
then I did.
Many of
us mothers find ourselves reevaluating things after our home is
blessed with the pudgy munchkins of joy that are our babies. Partly
we are just too damn tired to consider board meetings or deadlines.
We also spend a lot of time sitting with our new baby whether we are
nursing, feeding, or playing and we fondly begin to remember just
how good it feels to sit down. We love the physical closeness we
feel with our babies napping on our shoulder and the emotional
connectedness when we catch their first smile or laugh. My babies are
now eight and six, but when I watched this Johnson's commercial
released for Mother's Day, it was as if all of those beautiful
moments happened yesterday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yotq4zr0dRc
Inevitably
though, as the weeks become months, sitting becomes dull and the
house becomes too quiet. Or not quiet enough because the poor little
baby is colicky and the crying is driving us mad. We get tired of
doing laundry, dishes, and mopping followed by more laundry, dishes
and mopping. We begin to yawn during the Mommy & Me programs at
the library because we have just sung Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for
the (honest-to-goodness) 100th time. Same hand gestures.
Same off-tune moms. It is no wonder that we start to feel nostalgic
for lunches with coworkers, happy hours, and even a good
brainstorming session that involves something more complex than Dreft
vs. Tide Free detergent.
It
is my humble XX opinion
that during these early years of motherhood women need
to be intellectually challenged, emotionally and physically
stimulated, and we need to keep our creative juices flowing. Probably
for the entire duration of motherhood, in fact. This is why
most mothers are not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating
bon-bons. We are running half marathons and selling Mary Kay products
while we lead 4H groups, Girl Scout troops, soccer teams, swim teams
and volunteer in our children's classrooms. It is also why some
mothers elect to go back to work. Our brains need flexing as much as
our muscles do.
So do
we “want it all”? Setting aside the very real possibility (and
probability) that a woman returns to work because she has to help
support the family financially, the answer is more complicated than
yes or no. I believe that initially we do in fact want it all. We
have been raised in a country where it is expected that we are better
off than our parents were. We are told that any economical hurdle can
be overcome with diligence and hard work. Ultimately we want the
white picket fence in a gated community with tennis courts and a
swimming pool. We want the minivan with dual DVD players, a patio
table with a 13' umbrella and decorator pillows, and a cleaning lady
to mop our floors and clean under our kitchen appliances.
We also
want intelligent, talented, superior children and therefore we expose
them to every sport, hobby and activity we can find. We sign them up
for Baby Sign Language, piano lessons, football and chess club. We
buy them bikes, skateboards, zip lines and ponies in case one of
those things is their destiny. We spend five hundred dollars on a
summer swim team membership and another three hundred on football
gear for fall. All budgeted in under the category “Kids” on our
Quicken program.
These
years are fun, for sure. It is lovely and awesome to watch your child
go into a hobby or sport as a beginner and come out of it truly
talented. It is rewarding to see them open up and engage with the
other players and to learn the meaning of teamwork and camaraderie.
When our infants sign to us that they are hungry, we applaud. Yes, we
want it all.
Or
do we? I hazard a guess that some of us want less.
We want fewer carpools across town, fewer Chuck E. Cheese birthday
parties, and more time to spend with
our children. Sadly, in the midst of our busy work and recreational
schedules it is easy to forget to schedule in some play time as well.
Not a play date. Just play time.
Time to imagine, ponder and build Lego sets on the porch. Time to
catch fireflies at dusk and chase frogs from the pond. Time to sit
alone under a tree and just think about things. By the way...
eight-year-olds will
do this if given a chance.
How
easy we forget that in the same way that parents want some time to
relax and kick up our feet, so do our children. They want to play in
their rooms without instructions or oversight. Maybe they just want a
pick-up game of kick ball on the lawn. They want time alone to read,
build puzzles, and to draw or create. These things don't cost a dime.
And I would argue that they define a truly happy and carefree
childhood.
No,
I do not want it all. I no longer desire a “perfect” home, car or
designer pillows. I want a few nice things, sure. It is easier to
relax when surrounded by objects of beauty. So we have an old
sun-bleached hammock hanging on our deck and a patio table on our
screened porch to enjoy dinners outside. I appreciate fresh flowers
from my yard and I display them in my kitchen, I love fresh fruit and
vegetables from my garden to put on our plates. I want friends to
come by for coffee dates and family bike rides to the park.
I
keep myself mentally challenged by seeing a handful of chiropractic
patients each week and developing my career as a writer. I also
volunteer a lot of my time to my church and community. I take long
walks with our puppy to keep my body flexible. And I have been known
to sneak a Girl Scout cookie from time to time but have never
indulged in a bon-bon.
No
John, I do not want to “pump breast milk at the board of directors
meeting” or break through a glass ceiling. Some women may and I
applaud them. For their strength, their determination and their
commitment to their children's health. I, however, have found a
balance in my life that seems to work for me right now. I want less
maybe, but I enjoy more.
Share your thoughts and comments, please!
Share your thoughts and comments, please!
