i am mom, hear me purr

In case we have never met I am the woman with crumbs in my car, dirt under my nails, and worry lines on my face. My kitchen floor is sticky – okay, all of my floors are sticky - my furniture is dusty and my kitchen sink is always full. But if you are up for some boardgames Monopoly is set up on the porch, UNO is on the coffee table and Angry Birds is on my Kindle. I am a mom, after all.

I hope you enjoyed my guest blogger's post last week. John is a genuinely nice guy and is a very involved father who thinks he knows something about us mothers. Ha! Little does he know that we women prefer to keep our men guessing and therefore anything he thinks he knows about us moms is subject to change. Frequently.

Given that my entire blog page, book and Facebook musings are mostly devoted to the multifaceted subject of motherhood, I must choose carefully which bit of his writing to comment on this week. Although I definitely have some thoughts on more creative Mother's Day gifts, stupid bumble bee cards, and that cute little dress we reserve for date nights, I am going to address the question he posed, “But do [moms] want it all?” It seems like a nice place to start.

I was twenty-seven years old and six months from graduating chiropractic school with my doctorate degree when it was suggested that I not open a new office from scratch. The reason given by my professional consultant had nothing to do with the difficulty in attaining a business loan, the monstrous task of building out a space, hiring staff, or the hours required to run a successful practice. The reason he gave – the only one – was that he thought I might change my mind once I had kids.

To be fair, I was six months pregnant at the time and noticeably uncomfortable sitting for the duration of the twenty hour conference. I probably got up from my seat at least a dozen times attempting to increase blood flow to my lower extremities. Though I was trying to be inconspicuous about my discomfort, he caught on.

After picking my chin up off the floor at the pure audacity to assume that motherhood would cause me to stray from my professional goals (!!) I lifted my chin, gave him a quick shake of my head and said, “You don't know me. I'm driven. Stubborn. I won't change my mind.”

And then I did.

Many of us mothers find ourselves reevaluating things after our home is blessed with the pudgy munchkins of joy that are our babies. Partly we are just too damn tired to consider board meetings or deadlines. We also spend a lot of time sitting with our new baby whether we are nursing, feeding, or playing and we fondly begin to remember just how good it feels to sit down. We love the physical closeness we feel with our babies napping on our shoulder and the emotional connectedness when we catch their first smile or laugh. My babies are now eight and six, but when I watched this Johnson's commercial released for Mother's Day, it was as if all of those beautiful moments happened yesterday. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yotq4zr0dRc

Inevitably though, as the weeks become months, sitting becomes dull and the house becomes too quiet. Or not quiet enough because the poor little baby is colicky and the crying is driving us mad. We get tired of doing laundry, dishes, and mopping followed by more laundry, dishes and mopping. We begin to yawn during the Mommy & Me programs at the library because we have just sung Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for the (honest-to-goodness) 100^th time. Same hand gestures. Same off-tune moms. It is no wonder that we start to feel nostalgic for lunches with coworkers, happy hours, and even a good brainstorming session that involves something more complex than Dreft vs. Tide Free detergent.

It is my humble XX opinion that during these early years of motherhood women need to be intellectually challenged, emotionally and physically stimulated, and we need to keep our creative juices flowing. Probably for the entire duration of motherhood, in fact. This is why most mothers are not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon-bons. We are running half marathons and selling Mary Kay products while we lead 4H groups, Girl Scout troops, soccer teams, swim teams and volunteer in our children's classrooms. It is also why some mothers elect to go back to work. Our brains need flexing as much as our muscles do.

So do we “want it all”? Setting aside the very real possibility (and probability) that a woman returns to work because she has to help support the family financially, the answer is more complicated than yes or no. I believe that initially we do in fact want it all. We have been raised in a country where it is expected that we are better off than our parents were. We are told that any economical hurdle can be overcome with diligence and hard work. Ultimately we want the white picket fence in a gated community with tennis courts and a swimming pool. We want the minivan with dual DVD players, a patio table with a 13' umbrella and decorator pillows, and a cleaning lady to mop our floors and clean under our kitchen appliances.

We also want intelligent, talented, superior children and therefore we expose them to every sport, hobby and activity we can find. We sign them up for Baby Sign Language, piano lessons, football and chess club. We buy them bikes, skateboards, zip lines and ponies in case one of those things is their destiny. We spend five hundred dollars on a summer swim team membership and another three hundred on football gear for fall. All budgeted in under the category “Kids” on our Quicken program.

These years are fun, for sure. It is lovely and awesome to watch your child go into a hobby or sport as a beginner and come out of it truly talented. It is rewarding to see them open up and engage with the other players and to learn the meaning of teamwork and camaraderie. When our infants sign to us that they are hungry, we applaud. Yes, we want it all.

Or do we? I hazard a guess that some of us want less. We want fewer carpools across town, fewer Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties, and more time to spend with our children. Sadly, in the midst of our busy work and recreational schedules it is easy to forget to schedule in some play time as well. Not a play date. Just play time. Time to imagine, ponder and build Lego sets on the porch. Time to catch fireflies at dusk and chase frogs from the pond. Time to sit alone under a tree and just think about things. By the way... eight-year-olds will do this if given a chance.

How easy we forget that in the same way that parents want some time to relax and kick up our feet, so do our children. They want to play in their rooms without instructions or oversight. Maybe they just want a pick-up game of kick ball on the lawn. They want time alone to read, build puzzles, and to draw or create. These things don't cost a dime. And I would argue that they define a truly happy and carefree childhood.

No, I do not want it all. I no longer desire a “perfect” home, car or designer pillows. I want a few nice things, sure. It is easier to relax when surrounded by objects of beauty. So we have an old sun-bleached hammock hanging on our deck and a patio table on our screened porch to enjoy dinners outside. I appreciate fresh flowers from my yard and I display them in my kitchen, I love fresh fruit and vegetables from my garden to put on our plates. I want friends to come by for coffee dates and family bike rides to the park.

I keep myself mentally challenged by seeing a handful of chiropractic patients each week and developing my career as a writer. I also volunteer a lot of my time to my church and community. I take long walks with our puppy to keep my body flexible. And I have been known to sneak a Girl Scout cookie from time to time but have never indulged in a bon-bon.

No John, I do not want to “pump breast milk at the board of directors meeting” or break through a glass ceiling. Some women may and I applaud them. For their strength, their determination and their commitment to their children's health. I, however, have found a balance in my life that seems to work for me right now. I want less maybe, but I enjoy more.

Share your thoughts and comments, please!

a dad's musings on mother's day

Hello, how are you? Happy Mother’s Day! I was honored to be asked to be a guest on Kristi’s blog. She asked me to share a few of my thoughts as a dad about Mother’s Day. I hope I don’t get myself in trouble.

It seems to me that Mother’s Day started out as something simple and sweet when in 1914 Woodrow Wilson signed a bill recognizing the second Sunday in May as “Mother’s Day”. Perhaps mom got the biggest serving of porridge for dinner that night, or everyone chipped in to handle her chores. 

Eventually these quaint niceties changed. As we know, more recently creative marketers turned Mother’s Day into an opportunity to spend lots of money on Mother’s Day cards with cute insects on the cover proclaiming Mom is the “bee’s knees” and an excuse to go out to eat at your local “TJ O’Brady’s”. But now I think in light of our brave new world we have realized that those traditions are half baked like the meatloaf at your local chain, and aren’t really representative of what the day is supposed to be about.

As a function of its title, Mother’s Day has to be about women. Somewhere during the first Mother’s Day, some foolish Dad probably made a joke along the lines of, “A day just for Moms? What next? Women will get to vote? HA HA HA!” And a revolution was born. Now women, in my humble XY opinion, seem to have outdone themselves. Now you are waking up at 4 a.m. to train for your marathon and pumping breast milk during the board of directors meeting, you know, because you have “come a long way baby!” and you can “have it all”. Nice corporate marketing slogans, but do you want it all? I know men didn’t. Back 50 years ago when we were in charge we just wanted three martini lunches and a cute secretary. But since Dolly Parton made “9 to 5” and sexual harassment rules changed (for the better) women have made great strides for themselves.

Today the women’s revolution has progressed farther than the wildest of Suzie B’s dreams. But as a father to three daughters I think about what kind of world I would like my girls to live in with more than a passing fancy. Actually, it’s more like I think about it with abject fear. That is because women today still face a myriad of issues like breaking through the glass ceiling and/or being elected President, being told what to do with their body, pay inequality, discrimination, abuse in its ugliest forms, and being whistled at as they pass construction sites. Those are just the one’s I came up with as a man.

Whew. Just thinking about tackling those issues is exhausting. I don’t know how women got this far. But if nothing else we have learned just how strong and determined women can be. Just as I am determined to get back to the reason I have the opportunity to write for you: Mother’s Day.

As a dad, Mothers day can be stressful. It is yet another opportunity for us men to show that perhaps we do not understand you, and an opportunity for our ill-conceived expression of thanks to disappoint you. At least this is how things work in my world. So, keeping budgetary concerns in mind, I am always faced with an intimidating challenge: finding a meaningful Mother’s Day gift. All I know is to shoot higher than the lint in my pocket and lower than a new car. This is mostly because my wife would responsibly return the car so we could all go on vacation, not because she doesn’t deserve it. As for the lint, I just do not feel like I did my job as a husband if I show up with absolutely nothing. So it’s with that in mind that here I will make an attempt to thank Mothers everywhere with the cheapest and most powerful of gifts: words.

Mothers are awesome. You are caretakers, leaders, titans of industry and cleaners of spills and bedrooms. Although any involved dad knows parenting isn’t easy, you often make it look that way. You seem to have special reserves of patience and resolve we Dads wished we had. Moms have passed me on the road on their way to crossing another item off their list, and they have passed me on the trail, yet another “do it all” mom smoothly sailing by me during the Peachtree City 15k. Women, you have the power inside to accomplish anything.

Mothers are beautiful. Whether it is the pajamas you are wearing while you secretly put together Christmas gifts or the fancy outfit you put on when we finally get a date night, you glow with the vibrancy of a woman who knows who she is and is living life to its fullest, even if it is overwhelming sometimes (and it is!). As a mom you are sophisticated, refined, and just a little crazy. We can’t get enough of you.

Mothers are the core of the family. I feel like that is the essence of motherhood. Mothers are there for us not because of duty or responsibility, but because they simply couldn’t imagine being anywhere else than helping their children, young or otherwise. Whether their kids need an ice cream sundae or a kick in the pants, Moms seem to know just what to do. For this and everything else you do, we thank you.

So to any men, however many Mothers you find in your life, treat them a little extra special this year. Write them a story where they are the hero. Plant them the vegetable garden they have mentioned wanting a few times. You and your musically gifted kids get together and sing her an off-key song. Find a way to let her know she is special.

Besides, Father’s Day is just around the corner.

John Pfeiffer is the proud father of three and author of Dude You’re Gonna Be a Dad. You can check out his fatherly advice (and gripes) and ramblings at http://www.dudeyoureadad.blogspot.com/ and follow him on Twitter at @johnpfeifferdad .