Meaning I am feeling a little punchy, a
lot exhausted, and I am seriously contemplating having a wine instead
of a coffee during my weekly writing session with a friend.
I blame my daughter for this miserable
state I am in. Wait. I do not mean that. I blame my own inability
to handle my daughter's emotional highs and lows. I blame the
button that resides in my psyche that she so eloquently pushes when
my darling little six-year-old crosses her arms, stomps her feet,
wails with indignation and generally gives off an ugly she-monster
vibe.
I hate that button. In fact, I would
give my right arm in order for that button to go away permanently. I
have yet to find a surgeon who will perform the surgery and guarantee
the desired effect, however. I suspect that
doctor would be rich if the technique was perfected.
In the Great Quest for happiness and
calm in my life, I have spent many years testing a number of
techniques to curb my anger and frustration while increasing my
patience and reason. Prayer has worked on several occasions, seeing
me through my fears and uncertainties with a promise of protection
and forgiveness. Mother Mary is my go-to gal when I need a little
mothering myself, and if I feel threatened I have found that a prayer
to my guardian angel is reassuring.
In my studies of the Catholic faith and
through my (admittedly limited) Bible study I came to discover
however, that despair - a feeling in which I am intensely familiar
with - is considered to be a sin. Hmm. I would like to share an
observation with you: when in the throws of despair the last thing
you want to be told is that you are sinning simply by feeling the
way you do. When I discovered this, I honestly felt like damaged
goods. Pathetic and unworthy. This was not
helping.
A few months ago I stumbled across a
book club led by a dharma teacher. In actuality it is less a book
club, and more a life coach session. She instructs us on the
essential rules of a virtuous life. We talk about the human condition
of self-grasping ignorance, meaning that it is our human nature to be more
concerned for ourselves than for anyone else. This explains why we
get impatient in the drive-thru line when the car in front of us
takes a full eight minutes to put in their order because they
are too busy chatting to the barista. Our internal conversation goes
something like this, “Seriously!? I cannot believe this person does
not care that there are three cars behind them. I mean what are they
chatting about? Eight minutes!
I cannot believe this! Great, now I am going to be late to work!!”
Never mind that the woman in the car in front of you might have a
child in the hospital, or might have just lost their job. Maybe they
really needed to hear a friendly voice over the intercom asking if
she's having a nice day. Maybe she did notice your car waiting
and she felt so bad that she paid for your drink in order to make it
up to you. This actually happened to me, of course.
Our instructor talks about dharmic
principles such as patience, forgiveness, self control, honesty, and
the absence of anger. All of which, if practiced regularly, result in
greater happiness for me and for the greater world in which I live.
She tells us that our lives inevitably have highs and lows. My
husband will upset me or let me down, it is just a matter of time. My
daughter will passionately disagree with me, showing anger and
resentment, it is just a matter of when. My son will flop around in
the restaurant booth, annoying me and everyone around him. Of
course he will. The universe will always
test us, and we must be up for the challenge. Our reaction is what is
important. Dale Carnegie talks about this in his self-help books, he
just calls it by another name. Knowing, no - owning
that our current upset is only a transient state that will eventually
resolve itself helps the despair factor and defuses our own reaction.
Admittedly, in these sessions we also
discuss other Eastern principles such as reincarnation that I am
slightly uncomfortable with. I am mature enough, however, to take
what I need from these sessions and leave the rest behind. There
might be Eastern terminology spoken, but I hear universal principles.
So the she-monster has nothing on me
anymore. Her release of tension and frustration is a transient state
that in no way defines my lovely daughter's soul. Reflecting
on this for the past hour or so, I realize that I am no longer
fragile. I am powerful. I possess the knowledge and the determination
to meet that little girl toe-to-toe and to left hook her with a hug
instead of a rebuttal. To show her unconditional love, patience and
forgiveness. To practice this learning each and every time I am met
with an inconvenience.
My children are the sand in my oyster.
They may rub me wrong sometimes, but I cannot grow in virtue without
them. They scrub away my rough spots with every trying moment they
present. And just like the coffee drive-thru lady, they often reward
my patience and restraint with loving acts of kindness. Brooklynn
just told me tonight that I'm her favorite girl in the whole wide
world. And she is mine.
